I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
