She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
