I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
