I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
