I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
