Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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