dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Two words: nipple clamps
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