He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
