My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
