i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
