you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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