Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
