Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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