i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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