Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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