Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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