shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
