Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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