If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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