My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
