scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Your penis caused this!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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