and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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