God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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