dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
