nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize