he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize