My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Is Oprah even human
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
