I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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