i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
