Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
