What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
