i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
