im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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