apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
