Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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