i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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