Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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