My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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