Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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