I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm passing your future prison.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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