she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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