Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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