So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
mondays should just be called national damage control day
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
