u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
