I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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