I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Randomize
