Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
