WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize