I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
