Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Drunk is not a location!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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