Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
