3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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