then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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