her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Alive.
So much puke
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
