Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
