So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
