Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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