please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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