My nipple is on Facebook.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
