so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize